Although it’s only 4 months since the whole saga started, It seems like an eternity to me.

And now I felt thoroughly betrayed. Betrayed by the one that I’ve put in so much blood and sweat.

And I can only look into the mirror and laugh at my stupidity.

“She’s already over you even before things ended. Loser!”

How can someone put up with such disgrace and humiliation? How can i even face others after what I’ve allowed to happened?

Do i deserve this kind of karma? What have I exactly done? Am I done paying my karma off? When will these cycle of misery and disappointment stop?

I have 1001 questions on my mind now. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t need any answers anymore. I’m done searching for it.

Perhaps my sis-in-law was right, I didn’t love myself enough, and that’s why I’m letting others to trample on me like a doormat on a rainy day.

I’m only 27 years old, but it felt like I’ve lived for half a century in terms of relationship.

I’ve broken down. I’m crying now. Fuck.

I might not be friendly to you when you talk to me.

Deep down it really hurts. Cause I can’t tell you how I’m feeling now.

I can only put up a strong front. I can only act as if I’m moving on.

I am leaving for good not because I don’t love you anymore.

It’s because I love you too much.

There’s nothing now to hold on to. nothing to look forward in it. Just purely end of the story between me and her.

3 years worth of memories will forever be etched into my mind, locked away into the deepest recesses of my vault.

When you say leave it to fate, i look at it as moving on separate ways.

I will get up again, I will be stronger than before. I will not bow down to this epic disappointment.

I will share my life with someone who deserves it. No point harping on a lost cause.

It’s a pity that it has come down to this but we all have to shrug it off and move on.

Godspeed to you, your family and your life. I will now fade you out from my life and embrace myself.

I don’t know why i can’t let go even though it hurts me like a sword plunged deep into my heart.

I don’t know what else to do to turn things right. It seems that whatever things i do will just further mess it up.

I don’t know how to make my mom happy except to make her feel that i’m a grown up and there’s no need to worry about me.

I don’t know what the future holds for me.

I wish the one with lung cancer is me. I wish mom is healthy and strong. I wish alot of things.

And it’s not going to happen.

When they say i’m a nice guy, i can only say it’s just a disillusioned statement.

I don’t want to be a nice guy. I want to be a selfish prick and have what i want. No need to think about how other people will end up.

Being nice doesn’t mean you get nice things back in return.

I can only just take a step at a time and see how life plans my path for me.

How shall i start? Right. July and August. Hellish months. First, my fiancee left me because she needed time for herself. I always wondered to myself, have i not done enough? Wasn’t i good enough to be in a relationship? Why does things always turn out this way? We didn’t have any major quarrels. It’s just suddenly she told me she’s feels it’s getting dull. And further down the road, she told me she wasn’t ready to get married.

Maybe it’s true. Maybe with my mentality it’s not advisable to get married. And now the house is looming in the air, so unsure whether we will get back together or not. She told me she needs the time and space. Fine, I give it to her. I swallowed it and endure the heart wrenching moments all by myself. Maybe i’m being paranoid but whenever i have nothing on my mind i will keep thinking that she’s having a heck of a fun outside. Maybe she has gotten herself a new boyfriend? Maybe she really left me for good? And why am i still standing here, waiting like a fool?

I want to move on. I really do. But it’s hard because this 3 years of our relationship was one my finest moments that i could dream of. She showed me love, she showed me compromise. I gave up my lifestyle so that I won’t have to regret that i did something wrong. We rarely quarreled, and most of the time we were enjoying each others’ company. Well, ultimately our “dull” relationship finally gave way. She inferred me as an old desktop, and who doesn’t want a new model when it comes? I find it insulting but at least she was telling what she felt deeply inside of her. She wants freshness that i definitely could not give her. She said she wants to do things that she won’t be able to do when she gets married. Whenever i think back about what she said, i kept imagining what sort of things she wants to do. Meet new guys? start new relationships? Isn’t one relationship enough? I thought that was the norm to be monogamous.

The breakup was devastating. Why? Because it was somewhat similar to what i had experienced back in my previous relationship. The person told me she needed time too. And when i see deja vu on this occurrence, i told myself, “Max, why the fuck did u let this happen again?” But this time, I am certain that I did not do anything that was detrimental to the relationship. I kept to my stands even temptations visited me once in a while. Wasn’t this what we call good collective karma? I’ve always believed that being nice will get me a long way.

Apparently it’s not. It’s tearing me apart. As much as i want to keep her by my side, i have to respect her decision to split up. I was crying like a fucking boy that night when she mentioned the breakup. And then the next morning, a little hope shined thru: She messaged me in the early morning saying that she’s very confused and don’t know what to do now. Give her some time and she will be back with me.

It’s been a week past since i’ve last seen her. She did messaged me but i did not reply. I held back my tears and did not reply. Although i did message her happy birthday (i hope i was the first to do so, but maybe someone might beat me to it by being with her when the clock strikes 12). The next day she msned me. i did not reply too. And now it’s the fourth night and i did not get anything from her at all. Has she given up on me? Or was she too busy because her exams’ coming? Or has she moved on and found someone else? These questions will never be answered till i bring to my grave.

I dunno how much more torment i can take before i crack open and give it all up. What i’m doing now is giving her complete freedom. There’s no use trying to act desperate and pester her all day long and eventually she will start to be disgusted with my insistence. I, myself am disgusted with myself. Why do i have to go till that low? I hate myself for being so desperate and useless. But what can i do? The ball is always in her court, never mine. It’s not that i feel it’s unfair, it’s just that i didn’t realize that it’s a 2-way thingy. I gave too much. All these small little things that is significant to her means alot to me. Why am i working so hard? Why am i so actively into the photography business? Cause i want to live a better life with her. I want to make something big out of my life and then we can live our lives comfortably. Not that uber rich kind but we can afford the things we want. Even though she won’t be walking beside me now, i will still work hard towards that goal. It’s for my own good, for my family and my future family. I do hope it’s her that will be in my future family right now but it’s not up to me to control that.

And then today’s breaking news. Mom told me she went for an x-ray and the doctor found a 2cm lump in her lungs. I tried to console her by saying it’s nothing serious and don’t worry about it kind of things, but i am still worried. She is my mom. She was always there for me when i’m at my lowest and right now it pains for me to see her unable to sleep because she’s thinking too much about that lump. When i looked her in the eyes earlier just now when she was sitting at the living room alone, i sense there was despair and hopelessness. I could see the worries in her eyes. I almost broke down and cried. I was so fucking helpless at that moment.

Nothing is going my way now. And it’s not even sparing my family members either. How much can a man take? Am i at my limit? But i’m a logical person. Committing suicide won’t make the situation better. It’s as good as running away. Facing the problem head on is easier said than done. How i wish i can go back to being a 9 year-old. I miss being a child. I want to be a child right now but i cannot. Life is that unfair. I’ve got to suck it up.

Prolly when i have the money and the time, i will get myself an iLife account. heard blogging (or maintaining a website) is god-darn easy…

I am slowly losing my ability to write long essays…

- Supper cap at 1 per week
- Jogging every tues and thurs
- Soccer every weekend (sat/sun)
- Cut down on my carbo (that will hurt me big time)
- Take up a new sport

I think i should be able to see results (nano-sized, i guess) in about 3 months time.

So, die! Old Max!

I have realised that instead of blogging my views and rants, I had transition to an easier alternative: Facebook. 60% of the time spent on my lappy was dedicated to FB. All thanks to my not-so-cutting-edge-graphics card on the mac, gaming was limited to a measly occasional wahjong and some FB shenanigans (FB again!)

Why the transition? It’s simple. Simplicity! I can summarise my thoughts and feelings with just a few words, i get more views thru FB and there’s more interactivity! For wordpress, i normally would collate a few thoughts and experiences before i can blog about it. Too little makes my post a hasty job, too long makes me look like a book writer.

I’ve come to realised something, evolution has made mankind lazy and become convenient bastards. Here’s why:

(Chronologically arranged)

1. When people first started out to write about their experiences and expressions, they draw. Language was still non-existent and thus drawing was the only way to be heard (or rather, seen)

2. Language was invented. People started to write scores of books and journals depicting their thoughts. Very rudimentary but in vast quantities. Normally a journal will be written formally, with all the correct spellings and articulations. (see journals from the middle-ages written by scholars on various subjects)

3. Diaries come into place when the average jack can read and write and the availability of paper and writing instruments. Still very neat and formal, but less formal than the scholars. Diaries have become personal; from the daily rantings to major events that happened to the author.

4. As humans gets more educated, diaries have become less formal and a very personal thing. Formal writing will go to books and essays. Diaries are the author’s dirty laundry.

5. Ah… computers. This stuff made writing much more fun with typing. Some people started to type out their diaries and store them. (Saves paper and ink at the expense of electricity. Humans. Tsk)

6. Then blogging came. Humans are so so so attracted to the idea of voyeurism. That’s why gossips and tabloids sells. SOME people like being peeped at and thus, blogging was the platform for them to flash their life to the world wide web. Diaries are no longer personal anymore

7. Facebook/twitter. They simplified diaries to just a few sentences and the level of voyeurism has increased dramatically. Friends/enemies will be able to know what the person is feeling about just by searching their names.

8. The future: What lies infront of us? If you can see the pattern, humans are using lesser words to express themselves. So i guess in the near future (when we croak and our children walks this earth), diaries will be like this:

Ahkuei (16 Jan 2112):QOR347789.

What is QOR3477i89? In the future, all expressions will be summarized into codes and everyone will have the code book. So, Q3477i89 will prolly be like this:

QOR = I am so fucking angry right now that i can murder someone and drink their blood!!!
3477 = My boss just told me to work overtime because the deal that just came in was full of incomplete details. Now i will have to stay in the office to sort out all the details and hand over to him.
i89 = sorry guys i won’t be able to make it to the drinking session. Apologies!

Prolly my grand grand kids will have to attend a special school JUST TO MEMORIZE ALL THE CODES IN THAT BOOK!