Sanctuary

I never thought i would revisit my blog again when i have facebook and twitter to occupy me. But i can’t post my status in fb cos it’s too emotional and personal. I did tried to do it on twitter but it’s hard to keep tapping away in my iphone if i want to do a long entry…

How shall i start? Right. July and August. Hellish months. First, my fiancee left me because she needed time for herself. I always wondered to myself, have i not done enough? Wasn’t i good enough to be in a relationship? Why does things always turn out this way? We didn’t have any major quarrels. It’s just suddenly she told me she’s feels it’s getting dull. And further down the road, she told me she wasn’t ready to get married.

Maybe it’s true. Maybe with my mentality it’s not advisable to get married. And now the house is looming in the air, so unsure whether we will get back together or not. She told me she needs the time and space. Fine, I give it to her. I swallowed it and endure the heart wrenching moments all by myself. Maybe i’m being paranoid but whenever i have nothing on my mind i will keep thinking that she’s having a heck of a fun outside. Maybe she has gotten herself a new boyfriend? Maybe she really left me for good? And why am i still standing here, waiting like a fool?

I want to move on. I really do. But it’s hard because this 3 years of our relationship was one my finest moments that i could dream of. She showed me love, she showed me compromise. I gave up my lifestyle so that I won’t have to regret that i did something wrong. We rarely quarreled, and most of the time we were enjoying each others’ company. Well, ultimately our “dull” relationship finally gave way. She inferred me as an old desktop, and who doesn’t want a new model when it comes? I find it insulting but at least she was telling what she felt deeply inside of her. She wants freshness that i definitely could not give her. She said she wants to do things that she won’t be able to do when she gets married. Whenever i think back about what she said, i kept imagining what sort of things she wants to do. Meet new guys? start new relationships? Isn’t one relationship enough? I thought that was the norm to be monogamous.

The breakup was devastating. Why? Because it was somewhat similar to what i had experienced back in my previous relationship. The person told me she needed time too. And when i see deja vu on this occurrence, i told myself, “Max, why the fuck did u let this happen again?” But this time, I am certain that I did not do anything that was detrimental to the relationship. I kept to my stands even temptations visited me once in a while. Wasn’t this what we call good collective karma? I’ve always believed that being nice will get me a long way.

Apparently it’s not. It’s tearing me apart. As much as i want to keep her by my side, i have to respect her decision to split up. I was crying like a fucking boy that night when she mentioned the breakup. And then the next morning, a little hope shined thru: She messaged me in the early morning saying that she’s very confused and don’t know what to do now. Give her some time and she will be back with me.

It’s been a week past since i’ve last seen her. She did messaged me but i did not reply. I held back my tears and did not reply. Although i did message her happy birthday (i hope i was the first to do so, but maybe someone might beat me to it by being with her when the clock strikes 12). The next day she msned me. i did not reply too. And now it’s the fourth night and i did not get anything from her at all. Has she given up on me? Or was she too busy because her exams’ coming? Or has she moved on and found someone else? These questions will never be answered till i bring to my grave.

I dunno how much more torment i can take before i crack open and give it all up. What i’m doing now is giving her complete freedom. There’s no use trying to act desperate and pester her all day long and eventually she will start to be disgusted with my insistence. I, myself am disgusted with myself. Why do i have to go till that low? I hate myself for being so desperate and useless. But what can i do? The ball is always in her court, never mine. It’s not that i feel it’s unfair, it’s just that i didn’t realize that it’s a 2-way thingy. I gave too much. All these small little things that is significant to her means alot to me. Why am i working so hard? Why am i so actively into the photography business? Cause i want to live a better life with her. I want to make something big out of my life and then we can live our lives comfortably. Not that uber rich kind but we can afford the things we want. Even though she won’t be walking beside me now, i will still work hard towards that goal. It’s for my own good, for my family and my future family. I do hope it’s her that will be in my future family right now but it’s not up to me to control that.

And then today’s breaking news. Mom told me she went for an x-ray and the doctor found a 2cm lump in her lungs. I tried to console her by saying it’s nothing serious and don’t worry about it kind of things, but i am still worried. She is my mom. She was always there for me when i’m at my lowest and right now it pains for me to see her unable to sleep because she’s thinking too much about that lump. When i looked her in the eyes earlier just now when she was sitting at the living room alone, i sense there was despair and hopelessness. I could see the worries in her eyes. I almost broke down and cried. I was so fucking helpless at that moment.

Nothing is going my way now. And it’s not even sparing my family members either. How much can a man take? Am i at my limit? But i’m a logical person. Committing suicide won’t make the situation better. It’s as good as running away. Facing the problem head on is easier said than done. How i wish i can go back to being a 9 year-old. I miss being a child. I want to be a child right now but i cannot. Life is that unfair. I’ve got to suck it up.