Of the death of Max

I thought I’ve always been a perfectly normal boy. Born in an average family with very loving parents. Although there were unhappy times but all of them wasn’t major. My life was close to being perfect. It’s not about financially perfect or emotionally perfect. Perfect in a sense that my family is a very tight-knitted family with no major issues.

Until I went for the course that my sister-in-law and my brother insisted that me and Jojo should go for. I was totally wrong. I do have issues, but i always chuck it one side and never confronted it.

I always thought I’m knowledgeable, I always thought that I’m a generous person. Wrong again. I didn’t know I was walking my life like my father’s.

I was ignorant. I didn’t know how to communicate. I didn’t know how to show my love for my loved ones. On the surface I may be having a good relationship between my siblings an parents. Deep down, there’s a rift. I was never a good son. I was never a good sibling. I was never a good lover. I was never a good friend.

But I’m not blaming myself. I’m not blaming my family for not teaching me how to do be a good son/brother/lover. Nobody taught them too!

During the course, I found a lot of negativity in me. I wasn’t willing to change because I think i’m handling everything perfectly right. Although i may have zero confidence but my head was big. I was a jackass literally!

I cried for 3 days straight. I dug out all my inner thoughts and confronted them. Although some still remain I’m still exuberant in finding a new leash of life. I’ve learned to how to come to terms with my life. How to handle disappointments.

I’ve managed to open my heart to parents. That very sunday was the first time I hugged my mom and dad. To think that I’ve been living with them for over 20 years! I could feel the misery they had. They really love us, just that they didn’t know how to love us. It’s from this single flaw that made their love became a nuisance. E.g. Nagging, beating, arguments, etc.

Learning to let go is a really huge step for me. I thought I’ve let go of my past relationship and embraced a new one. But I brought 2 things over from it. Jealousy and trust. I had none of it on my jojo. I would get paranoid if she were to go out and meet her guy friends. I would check her HP to see who’s calling or sms-sing her. I was being a control freak. But now, no more of such kiddo-style management. I’m an adult, and I should give my loved ones some space to breathe. Else they will struggle to break free.

I thought by confronting my buddy on a past issue head-on will be the best solution to save the friendship. Probably i was thinking too far ahead. I’ve tried any means to save it. I’ve talked to tryphy and brother, I’ve been thinking the issue in my head for months. All i got was dejection and further misunderstanding. She doesn’t know what i’m thinking, I will never know what she’s thinking too.

There’s no guidebook in saving a friendship. I did not attend friendship-management class. I know I couldn’t please everyone. Little did i expect that my greatest bud will misunderstand me that much. So much that my heart aches just to hear people saying your name. No matter how hard i tried i still get misunderstood. No matter how nights I’ve cried myself to sleep thinking about out problem, it’s still right infront of me.

I may have understand myself more than before, I may have identified the problems. But there’s still no solution to it.

Prolly I will need to go for the next level of the course to find out why.

I’m sorry…

1 Comment(s)

Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI